Suggestions for how grieve a suicide in a spiritually healthy way
A biblical view of how to deal with thoughts about committing suicide
IntroductionLet me say up front that I am not a trained counselor. What I share with you in this article is based on personal experiences and research on the topic of suicide. My life has been touched by suicide five times. In the paragraphs that follow, I will detail the circumstances surrounding these suicides. Some of the details will be a bit graphic. I felt it was important to get into that level of detail because I know that some of the people who read this will have similar experiences, and will be able to relate to it. There are also patterns of spiritually unhealthy grieving that will be evident from these details. Following that will be an explanation of the lessons I learned about how to grieve in a more spiritually positive way.
Examples of spiritually unhealthy ways to grieve a suicide
My first experience with suicide occurred in the mid 1960's when I was about 8-9 years old. My favorite uncle at that time was my uncle Ed. I remember how excited I use to get when he and his family would come to visit us. We would wait out by the street for 10-15 minutes looking for his car to come down the road. We always had such a great time when he came to visit. However, what I didn't know at the time was that uncle Ed had a brain tumor. It caused him considerable pain, and the headaches he experienced were becoming more difficult for him to deal with. In the 1960's they didn't have some of the treatment options they do today. Ed's tumor was inoperable and getting worse. Finally the pain became so unbearable that he decided he couldn't take it anymore, so he ended his life. He went into his bedroom, put a high-powered rifle into his mouth and pulled the trigger. My aunt was home at the time. After hearing the shot she rushed into the bedroom and found the aftermath. A few years later when I was 11 or 12 years old, I asked my dad if he could share any more details on what happened. Because of my age, dad wasn't willing to get into a lot of details. However, he did tell me that he was the person who had to clean up the bedroom in the aftermath. He said it was an awful scene. There was a bullet hole in the ceiling that he did his best to patch so that it wouldn't be too obvious to my aunt. He also said that she was so devastated that she was hospitalized for two weeks afterwards.
When I was around 13 years old, because of some family issues, I lived with my aunt for about a year. My bedroom was the bedroom where uncle Ed had taken his life. I would sometimes lay in bed staring up at the small outline of a hole in the ceiling that dad had patched a few years before. I would replay in my mind over and over again the events that lead up to how that hole got there. I felt compelled to try to relive Ed's pain from his tumor. I imagined over and over again how he ended his life, and what his last thoughts might have been. All I could think about was how uncle Ed died, and the horror my aunt experienced when she rushed into the bedroom afterwards. It never occurred to me at that time to think about how he might still be living a joyful life in heaven, in spite of the way he died. More on that later.
My second experience with suicide happened about 20 years ago. We received a call that the husband of one of my first cousins had ended his life. My cousin, who I'll call Mary (not her real name) was sitting on a park bench with her husband. Mary was not aware that her husband was suicidal. She turned away to look at something. During that time, her husband pulled out a handgun and shot himself in the head while sitting right next to her on the bench. Mary and I were very close friends. Just a few years prior to this incident, we had been through some very serious spiritual tribulations together that had made us very close. We weren't able to be as close as we once were at the time of her husbands death because when he died we lived 1,000 miles apart.
After I had some time to think about what she had told me, just as I had done with my uncle's suicide, I replayed this incident in my mind over and over again. I thought what could possibly have led him to do such a thing right in front of his wife? What was Mary thinking at the time? Just as I had done with my uncle Ed's suicide, it never occurred to me to that eventually, I should start dwelling on the thought of how her husband might still be living on in heaven if he had been a true Christian prior to ending his life. It also never occurred to me to quit worrying if he was in heaven or hell because God's judgment is always fair and just and He would make the right decision.
My third experience with suicide occurred when I was in my early 20's. I went to high-school with a young man I'll call John (not his real name). John's brother Kent was my brother's best friend. John was going through a bitter divorce with his ex-wife. At that time, the court systems in our state essentially gave the father no rights, and allowed bitter ex-wives to engage in all kinds of abusive legal maneuvers that unfairly denied visitation rights when there was no good reason to do so. I don't know what all was going on in John's life that drove him to suicide, but I know through my brother's contacts with his brother that a big part of why he may have chosen to end his life was the psychological trauma his ex-wife was putting him through in the court system. John hung himself in a tree in his back yard. I will never forget his 2-year old child asking his mother at the funeral home "when is daddy going to wake up". I remember too her indignant attitude towards John even at a time like that. As best as I can recall there was scarcely a person in that room that wasn't deeply angry with her for the cruel way she treated John when he was alive.
Just as I had done with the previous two suicides, I replayed in my mind over and over again the anguish and suffering John must have felt just prior to ending his life. I imagined what his last thoughts might have been. My anger towards his ex-wife brewed and grew stronger each time I thought about it. And like the previous two suicides, it never occurred to me to spend some time dwelling on how John might still be living, and that if he was in Heaven that all of his pain and suffering was gone forever. It also never occurred to me that I should eventually reach a point of being able to forgive his ex-wife for the way she treated John. Given the mountains of sins that God has forgiven me of, I had no right to remain bitter against her for as long as I did. By allowing my anger for her to go on for so long, I also delayed by a considerable amount of time my own emotional and spiritual healing from John's suicide.
A more spiritually healthy approach to grieving a suicide
It wasn't until the fourth suicide that touched my life that I finally started learning about the Biblical way to grieve a suicide. Unfortunately I wasn't familiar enough with what God's word had to say about this particular issue, so I didn't figure these important lessons out on my own. Instead, the Lord revealed these truths to me through my wife. The Lord has blessed me with a wonderful wife who is full of wisdom far beyond her years. Watching her grieve the suicide of someone she loved and cared about is where I finally learned a more spiritually healthy way to grieve.
My wife's best friend was named Carol. Carol came from a very troubled and mentally abusive home. Her parents had always made her feel she would never amount to anything. They virtually destroyed any sense of self-esteem that Carol had. Eventually, Carol lived with my wife for a few years when my wife and Carol were teenagers. That's when they became very close friends. When they got older, Carol and my wife went their separate ways but stayed in contact with each other.
Several years ago we got the news that Carol had ended her life with a handgun. We don't know the exact circumstances surrounding the suicide, or what current circumstances in her life pushed her to that point. However, we do know that she was manic depressive and has struggled with suicidal thoughts prior to that.
I learned some important lessons watching how my wife handled her grieving over Carol's death. She did three things that were fundamentally different than how I had grieved the suicides I had experienced prior to that point.
She trusted God completely that He would be fair to Carol in terms of deciding whether or not she would spend eternity in Heaven or Hell. She simply didn't worry about it because her trust in God was absolute.
At first she replayed the incident in her mind. I suspect it was psychologically healthy for her to do that for awhile so that she was honestly dealing with her emotions and not just sweeping them under the rug and pretending they weren't there. But unlike me, she didn't dwell on those thoughts for very long. Instead, her focus quickly shifted to dwelling on how Carol might still be joyfully living today in heaven with her Creator. We don't know if Carol ever accepted Jesus Christ as her Savior. However, a few months prior to her death, Carol and my wife had a several hour long conversation about God that Carol initiated. Carol asked my wife lots of questions about salvation and other similar issues. It was clear that she had been thinking very hard about it. This conversation gave my wife some reason to hope that Carol may have accept Jesus as her Savior before she died. If she did she is most likely in heaven in spite of the way she ended her life. The Bible only mentions one sin that is unpardonable (blasphemy against the Holy Spirit). Suicide is not mentioned as an unpardonable sin. There is a lot of debate about this issue in theological circles, but based on most of the articles I've read, the majority of them conclude that it is possible to go to heaven after committing suicide if the person was a real Christian prior to that.
At first my wife felt some anger towards Carol. I have read that sometimes the surviving loved ones are angry at the person who committed suicide. They have thoughts like "How could you do this to me/us". "Why didn't you think about the pain this would cause us". It can be difficult for them to forgive the person who committed suicide. My wife did experience some anger towards Carol for similar reasons. However, she also understood what an abusive home Carol had been raised in and therefore understood why Carol may have felt her life was so unbearable. She quickly arrived at a point where she realized that she had to forgive Carol, so she did. It was a good move that proved to be very comforting.
I can't recall if any of the family members and friends associated with any of the five suicides that have touched my life were angry at God because of what had happened. I have read that sometimes the surviving family and friends do get angry at God. They wonder if God is a God of love, why does he allow such terrible things to happen? Instead of turning to God where they'll find real comfort, they sometimes will push him away out of anger towards him. If you are having thoughts like this, I would encourage you to visit these two links titled Why does God allow innocent people to suffer?, and Doesn't the world's condition prove there's no God?
Since Carol's suicide, we have experienced the death of family members and acquaintances several more times. About 8 - 10 years ago, one of my second cousins was murdered. My father passed away in 1997 from a heart attack. My wife's mother passed away in 2003 from cancer. Three months after she died her husband, my wife's step-father passed away, also from cancer. My wife and I both applied the lessons learned from how to grieve Carol's death to the grieving process we went through for these subsequent deaths. For the first time, there was some real joy mixed in with the sadness and sense of loss, especially for me when my father passed away. Never before in my life had these words from God meant so much to me:
But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him. For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive [and] remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God and the dead in Christ shall rise first Then we which are alive [and] remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air and so shall we ever be with the Lord. Wherefore comfort one another with these words.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18When my father died, I couldn't help thinking about how joyful his life must now be. I didn't dwell on his physical suffering on earth during his last days for very long. Instead, I couldn't stop thinking about the huge smile that must now be on his face. I couldn't stop thinking about how he was free from all the burdens and sorrows of this world. I knew he would be permanently separated from us in this life, but I also knew that in the grand scheme of things, our separation was temporary. A hundred trillion centuries from now dad and I will be together again, and we'll have no recollection whatsoever of the pains and sorrows of this life.
For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
Romans 8:18In contrast to the joy we will experience together in heaven for all of eternity, this life and all its tribulations are a mere speed bump in our entire eternal lives. Because of what I knew about my father (he had studied two years to be a priest before leaving the seminary to marry my mother), I had reason to believe that at some point in his life he probably had accepted Jesus Christ as his Savior. There were evidences of his faith present during his last years that also gave me hope that he may indeed be in heaven right now. Because of these life experiences, I was much better prepared to deal with the next suicide that touched my life in early 2004.
The fifth suicide I experienced was when my manager at work recently ended his life. Because this was such a recent event, out of respect for his family and my co-workers, I won't go into any details about how or why it may have happened. I will only say that it was completely unexpected. I am grieving his suicide far differently than I did the previous four.
His family and friends were richly blessed to have two people come forward at his funeral who testified that they had personally witnessed the time that my manager had accepted Jesus Christ as his Savior. They were confident his repentance and acceptance of Jesus was sincere. Never in my life have I attended a funeral where witnesses came forward to give such comforting news to the surviving family and friends. While I certainly don't condone suicide as a way to escape the troubles of this world, and I'm certain the Lord doesn't condone it either, it is quite likely that God has already forgiven him for how he ended his life, and that he is currently enjoying a peace and tranquility that he could never have known in this life.
There is still the aftermath of suffering that his surviving family and friends are experiencing, but as far as he is concerned, his suffering is over. As with my father's death, I did not spend a lot of time dwelling on how my manager died. Instead, I quickly turned my attention to how he may still be living, and that I will probably see him again in the next life. I look forward to seeing his huge smile again, only the next time I see it there won't be any pain hidden behind it. I have found great comfort in dwelling on these thoughts and hope that his family will also arrive at this point in their grieving process if they haven't already.
Conclusion
If you have recently experienced the loss of a loved one or friend, I encourage you to seek out ways to grieve in a spiritually healthy way. I would highly discourage you from seeing secular psychologists and psychiatrists for help. They rely totally on a secular approach to help their patients deal with their grief. Because they don't include God's Word in with their counselling, and because their training was not based on Godly biblical principles, their patients are denied the most important source of comfort they could possible get; God's love and His wise counsel. Rather than to seek the assistance of secular psychologists or psychiatrists, may I respectfully encourage you to instead talk with your pastor about what you are experiencing. If you don't attend church then this would be a good time to go see a pastor anyway. You don't have to be a member for them to be willing to help you.
In some cases the trauma can be so great that it may take a trained professional to help you. Sometimes it's over a pastor's head, especially if he isn't very experienced. There are well trained psychologists and psychiatrists who are committed Bible believing Christians. They are very happy to include God's Word in with their counselling. Focus on the Family has a referral service that will help you find a professional Christian counselor in your area to help you deal with your grief. You can request assistance on their Request a Counselor Referral link, or call them at (719) 531-3400 from 9:00 - 4:30 Mountain Time. All of the articles I've read about suicide say that it's very important to deal with your grief by talking about it. There can be comfort and true peace after the initial shock and numbness. If you are willing to seek out good Christian counselling, I suspect you'll be very thankful to the Lord that you did. For more information on how to deal with grief in a spiritually healthy way, you can also visit our Comfort from Grief link.
As time permits, I will research some good sites on the internet that deal with the topic of suicide from a Biblical perspective. I'll try to get those links added to this page within the next couple of months. Until then, I would encourage you to carefully consider your relationship with God. If you have not accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior, or have questions about what it means to do that, please visit ChristianAnswers.net for more information on how to secure your eternal future with your Creator in Heaven.
Links to other resources
What does the Bible say about suicide? What should a Christian do if overwhelmed with depression? Are there Biblical examples of depression and how to deal with it? Focus on the Family Christian Counselor Referral Service
Or call them at (719) 531-3400 from 9:00 AM - 4:30 PM Mountain Time
Founder of the Young Earth Creation Club